When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
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There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move