Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.