When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
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“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
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I hate when that happens.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.