When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
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[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.