When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
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your honor my client chooses dare
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk