Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

me irl

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

inside you are two wolves

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

this article brought to you by lions

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.