Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”

I’m too immature for adultery.

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

There are usually two types of merchants.

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay