Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.