When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
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[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed