*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
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House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
23. the denim jacket
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.