When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

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*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?


[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup


[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?


If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?


My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*



Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?


Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit


Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.