Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

Already got one

Literally all I do as a librarian:

It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross