When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
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I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues