Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.

– dads at kids’ basketball games

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!

MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.