When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
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Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
when u come home smelling like another dog
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books