When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
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AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.