When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
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Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
My wedding will be open casket.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back