When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
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*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore