When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
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I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
United Steaks of America
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.