When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
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I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
What if all the cashiers are married?
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.