When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
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I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
the rocks need my help
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
What kind of a cult is this?
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.