When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
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On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Cndnsd Mlk
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.