When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
You Might Also Like
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.