When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
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Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery