When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
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Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
dark side of the loom
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
is it earth
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?