when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
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[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Just did a big green poo by a canal
