when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
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judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
The pen is writier than the sword.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”