when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
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7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.