when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
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There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Mistakes were made
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Ain’t no way
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.