when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
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No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Truly one of the great bangers
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
oh u like history? name everything that happened
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…