when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
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Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Not today
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice