when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
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professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines