When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
