Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.

PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?

SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..