Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM

Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM

There is no winning 🙄

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

Well, this is awkward

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

What happened to the other hiker??!

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed