When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
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Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought