when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
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RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I will never stop laughing at this
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
never compromise your values
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*