when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
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Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’