Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.

I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

What’s the opposite of mentos?

Lady fingers.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

She said she liked it doggy style…

…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

#ThisMakesMeLaugh

This a good idea