When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
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You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
is this a warning or an offer?
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english