when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
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Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
WHY would you be happy about this?
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.