when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
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I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.