When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
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1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
My neck, my back, my…
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.