Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that

I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP

This kinda thing happens to me often

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

my nickname in college

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

pat pat

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?