When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
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are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.