Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

“I have a date with destiny”

Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*

Teacher: How was your vacation?

My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

I was just discussing this with my cat

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

[commercial for soup]

NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.