When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
You Might Also Like
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.