When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
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we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow