Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
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[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey