When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
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It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
an octopus is just a wet spider
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.