Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

The most important meal of the day is the next one

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

Google Pay be like:

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow