Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

Happy thanksgiving!

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.