When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
You Might Also Like
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
sliding into dms like
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over