When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
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It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.