When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
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I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Finally
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Butt weight. There’s more!
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.