Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

Dr: Have you been exercising?

Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

You’re the water to my grease fire.

Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

Tell me you get it…🤣

If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer