When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
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*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Put this video in the Louvre
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I wish this was real life…
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
how to have an accident 101
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
My dating profile:
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?