Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
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Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Husband of the year 😂
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.