Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.