Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

I am never leaving this website

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

☠️ ☠️

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?