Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle