When I’m being productive, I put off a productivity pheromone that my toddler can smell & it makes her suddenly crave my undivided attention.

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Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries


“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.


*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning



Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?


Uber eats:

Food: $12

Service fee: $4

Delivery fee: $9

Total: $260


Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.


Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.


If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.


me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design

wife: did you make a scene?

me: *crying* several