Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
When I’m being productive, I put off a productivity pheromone that my toddler can smell & it makes her suddenly crave my undivided attention.
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“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
Why is Santa’s sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Service fee: $4
Delivery fee: $9
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several