Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
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MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
she has a point
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Goodnight 🐶
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*