Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

Date: I don’t think we should see each other again

Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it

Date: Well, yes

Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free

sales in 2024:

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen