Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now

me: ok rank us

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.

it wasn’t ebola

it wasn’t trump

it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year

it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

Me trying to look natural in photos

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….