Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

When I can’t barge, I careen.

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way