When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
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Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I can fix him.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage