When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
