When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
