When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
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Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.