Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.

ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

You never say “I love you” back

Tater tots:

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.