Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.