Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

I love it all

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes