Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

when she block me on everything

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

Sharon, call the vet

Are these grass-fed oranges?

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out