Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

*pronounces fake like saké*

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.