Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

This did not end as expected.

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.