@kelkulus

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

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@EndhooS

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

@Schmoodles

Apparently, when your boss asks you to get a cake for a coworker’s 60th birthday, ‘cake’ is not code for ‘stripper.’

Live & learn, guys.

@iwearaonesie

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

@mirandaasantos

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

@ThaJawn

*braids your voodoo doll’s hair

Me: HAHAHAHA! She will wake up and be like “who braided my hair” HAHAHAHA

@Sickayduh

Professor: “Did you just show up drunk to my exam?”

No way

“Hungover then?”

Nope

“There’s a lime wedge on your face”

@Reverend_Scott

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

@briangaar

Divorce is when you tell someone: Hey I know you better than anyone else on Earth and I’m gonna take a pass

@bobvulfov

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding