I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
You Might Also Like
Apparently, when your boss asks you to get a cake for a coworker’s 60th birthday, ‘cake’ is not code for ‘stripper.’
Live & learn, guys.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
*braids your voodoo doll’s hair
Me: HAHAHAHA! She will wake up and be like “who braided my hair” HAHAHAHA
Professor: “Did you just show up drunk to my exam?”
“There’s a lime wedge on your face”
[hand reaches out]
“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Divorce is when you tell someone: Hey I know you better than anyone else on Earth and I’m gonna take a pass
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding