Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

english majors be like furthermore

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

I want this so bad

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.